Thursday, December 31, 2009


So what is it that really matters in life? Is it the number of friends you have on Facebook? Is it whether or not you have the latest model of phone? Is it how often you play Scrabble with your siblings or if you get invited to the hottest Christmas parties? Does it really matter if your church has 1,000 or 28 people? Who cares if you don't wear designer jeans? When your blog isn't as interesting as someone else's or your make-up doesn't look as nice will the world end? Can a warm puppy kiss actually make happiness? And does rain need to make you sad? Why are arguments always a bad thing? If two people disagree can they see they're both partially at fault?

I can't believe all that has happened this year. I hated school, graduated from school, and loved college. I said 'hi again', 'goodbye', and 'welcome to my world' to guide dog puppies Vortex and Janda. I grew to love Vortex more than any dog (besides Arturo) and it broke my heart when he left. I missed his graduation as a guide dog and will never see him again--but he's happy. I had a best friend who walked me through the pain of disappointment, got to spend a weekend at her house in Chicago, went through some challenging stuff, and am now figuring out how to deal with jealousy, pain, bitterness, and the power of forgiveness. I learned that just because someone has committed a felony it doesn't mean that they are "bad" and need to be avoided. Along with that, I learned that volunteering at Echo Glen may have changed "my kids'" lives, but it DEFINITELY changed mine. I discovered that making traditions is a blast. Friday night movies and ice cream will live forever. And taking trips to downtown Seattle can involve spending way too much money, shopping for hours, and getting lost. 

I learned that my heart has enough room for two fantastic churches. That parents can be wrong. I discovered that taking risks often lead to tremendous rewards. I found that Jesus can be new and exciting every morning and that reading my Bible makes my day much brighter. I learned the power of confessing sin and asking for prayer. I found that even community group leaders you've only known a few months can really really care about you. Also that no matter how loud the band, worshiping Jesus can be hindered if I'm concerned about what other people think. I discovered that writing in my Bible is a helpful tool to recall things later. I discovered that working with toddlers in children's ministry is exhausting.

I have bought two tubes of mascara, dozens of books, and hundreds of sticks of gum. I purchased my first ever cigarette lighter (for work!!!). I received more gifts than any year before and for no reason but I managed to survive 12 years of school. I followed the lives of dozens of puppies in training through blogs. I got my braces taken off. I shampooed the rugs in our entire house. I made a new best friend. My new best friend took a class with me at school and then left for college. But she's still beyond amazing. I conquered swine flu and 80 straight hours locked in my room. I spent my last weekend at Camp Casey as a high school student. I wrote the lyrics to a song. I spent one of the most powerful hours (and a half) alone on a beach with just Jesus, my Bible, and journal. I worked 40+ hours a week over the summer and had 3 jobs for one of those weeks. I found my dream college and struggled with surrendering that dream when Jesus took it back.  Over the past year I've cried hard, but laughed harder. I've discovered that I do have a very serious and intense side. And that it's not weakness to show when I'm hurting. I painted a few faces, popped a few bags of kettle corn, and talked to a few neighbors. I made a conscious effort to be Jesus. And failed many times. I learned that I can, indeed, think through the hard questions. And when I get to the point that I can't think anymore, I can ask people who are more mature than me for their opinions. I learned that even when you invest your life in a person--they won't always return the investment. And that one of the hardest things in life is losing a best friend. I found that older brothers are always good to have around, and that younger ones can be the sweetest things. 

I found my wings this year. And I found where I want to fly.

2009 has been a year of ups and downs. I've reached some of the highest highs and the lowest lows. 

And I'm pressing on.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009


This is for certain special friends... If you think it's for you, it probably is. :)

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

 Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

 Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

 That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

 Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

 Within his bending sickle's compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

 But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

 I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Tuesday night insanity

Let the wild rumpus start!

i.e. I'm going to Shannon's tonight :)

Monday, December 28, 2009

My hero (2)

She'd be the first one to say that she doesn't deserve to be a hero. Just an ordinary married girl who loves Jesus. That's how she'd describe herself. But she is a hero, a mentor, and someone I very much want to be like.

Heather Day

She was the first person to talk to me at the Avondale cg. I was petrified of walking in that door, but she was very welcoming and made me feel right at home. She was the first one of the bunch who gave me her number and I knew right away that she cared. Heather introduced me to the group and she's the main reason I stayed.

One of my favorite things about her is that she really loves Jesus and is willing to pray for me. She knows about as much of my life, if not more, than my other good friends. And I'm not one to share easily. But I feel like I'm safe with her.

I want to be as genuinely caring, honest, friendly, and in to Jesus as she is. Shhh don't tell her, though. She'd just laugh and say she doesn't deserve it.

Evidences of God's Grace:
warm bread and garlic butter
talking with Peter
an awesome new picture of Daniel
my flat iron

Sunday, December 27, 2009

My problem with "church"

Ok, so I happen to be blessed immensely by being able to go to Mars Hill Church and sit under the preaching of godly men like Chris Swan, Bill Clem, and Mark Driscoll. However--I have noticed that even though I receive some of the strongest Bible teaching in the nation, going to church has again become a chore/social event some days. When I'm surrounded by this amazing preaching I've started losing the amazing-ness of it.

Today on my way home from visiting Mars Hill Church's Ballard campus I was pondering this phenomenon. Let me explain a bit about Mars Hill Church (MH). We are one church in 10 separate locations (a.k.a. campuses). Most of the time Mark Driscoll preaches live at the "hub" of MH, the Ballard campus and the rest of the campuses watch that sermon via a video the next week. Occasionally the "campus pastors" will also preach a live sermon at their own campuses. I, personally, go to MH's Bellevue Campus (a.k.a. Bellevue).

So with that being said, I think I figured out my problem--why this complacency has set in. Getting to know people in a church is a hugely important thing. I can't say enough about how important community is in my relationship with Jesus. However once I made friends, I started worrying about what they think of me, how I look, etc. I want to impress THEM instead of focusing on the reason I'm there. Also when I've gotten to know the bands, learned Pastor Chris' vision for Bellevue and his style of preaching, gotten used to the flow of a Bellevue service, it just becomes commonplace. Visiting Ballard was a fantastic experience. Going to another campus just shakes it up a bit. The band played the same songs I'm used to, but differently. Pastor Bill spoke about the same Jesus I'm used to, just with a different focus. The people around me worshiped hardcore like we do, but I didn't know them so it didn't matter what they thought of me.

My resolution, having experienced this amazing thing, is to visit other campuses frequently. That could mean once a month or once a quarter, but I want to shake up my routine a bit and experience Jesus in a whole new way every time I think I'm getting complacent.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

It is well

When peace like a river attendeth my way
when sorrows like sea billows roll
whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
"it is well, it is well, with my soul"

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come
let this blessed assurance control
that Christ has regarded my helpless estate
and has shed His own blood for my soul

My sin--oh the bliss of this glorious thought
my sin not in part, but the whole
is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more
praise the Lord! praise the Lord oh my soul

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas

glory to God in the highest
for unto us a son is given
peace on earth and good will to men

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The greatest

Allow me a minute to marvel about Christmas.

So Jesus has it all. Power, position, wealth, love, and then he realizes that the way things currently stand--the people he loves and really cares about can't join him in heaven forever. Bummer. But he really really really loves those people! So he decides that the people are more important than his comfort, his security, his popularity, and he--knowing he's going to live through hell--decides to step down from the lifestyle he once had and join them.

So he does, and no one realizes how awesome (literally) he is, and they treat him like every other person they've ever met. They get mad at him, they make him laugh, but they don't treat him near what he's used to.

In the end, he did it all for the people he loves so much.

How can I not respond by loving him back?

Evidence of God's grace--he chose to be like us so that he could make us blameless in the end

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Old vs. present

It's funny how priorities change. Today I got to talk to a person who is awesome and with whom I have shared some of my best moments. She's also been there through my lowest moments in high school. And then when college hit, although we're still friends her best friend is now on her college campus and I'm discovering the value of the people here. It's still great to share life with her, but I don't feel like I'm a priority anymore. And although it took me months to accept that--somehow I'm okay with it. I wouldn't mind being one of her best friends again, but that'd take quite a bit of make-up work. She was one of the last to know that I've completely changed my career goals (which was a HUGE development in my life). And talking today was kind of awkward. Just because we know so little about eachother's lives right now.

To be fair, my priorities have changed too. Not sure exactly where they are right now, but spending time with Jesus is back up on the list. And I definitely still love her. She's a great kid, and God's doing some awesome things in her life! Now I just get to view these things as a spectator instead of as a partaker in the change.

Evidences of God's grace...a kiwi from Jill, dinner/dessert with Allen and Kalee, the ability to join the Explorers even though I can't commit a full year, answers to questions I've had for weeks, Bond learning agility commands quickly, knowing I will see Josh for Christmas (!), Emily Yeaton, coffee and talking with Emily Yeaton about life and now we have what Caroline and I used to have, pictures from Jill, Jill being home again, endurance to keep running every day, John Piper, Christmas cookies.

"(as Christians who love and serve Jesus) we will choose 'rather to be mistreated with the people of God than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin'" --John Piper, Don't Waste Your Life
May that some day be said about me.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

My Thank You/I love you/you make my day/it's the little things that make me happy poem

Sunday morning comes and starts a great day,
I walk into church and Jon says "hey" 
and I smile because I have people I know
people who come and people who go.

Service begins with a bang,
David on drums and Thad's band sang,
children dance with joyful hearts,
Mars Hill Church officially starts.

Throughout the week I might get a text
sometimes they make me happy, sometimes I get vexed,
but often, if it's Emily, 
I'll glance at it and burst "tee hee!"

Though the wind blows through the trees,
chilling sad zebras and freezing busy bees,
my car always keeps me nice and warm,
braving its way through the crazy winter storm.

Every Monday off I go
to work for mister Galliano,
Master Chief, he works then too,
without Peter I don't know what I'd do!

Thursday--oh what places to be!
Echo Glen kids always smile at me,
multitudes of dogs to train,
in the snow or in the rain.

Then off I go to Avondale CG,
The people there are special to me,
Patrick, Heather, Michelle, and Josh,
Jill, and Michael, and Taylor, oh gosh.

Lindsey and Jason make a great pair,
and for Halloween Greg had great hair,
Me out of my comfort zone they drag,
My faith is growing and I'm learning not to brag.

What can I say for a friend who's always there?
Who never ever leaves me and always says a prayer.
Jillian Rose has been there through thick and thin, 
saying "I'm sorry, Anna" and forcing me to grin. (itsok)

My drama pals and I always have a blast,
Especially me and Alyssa who'll be friends to last,
some day we'll go to church together...
maybe dinner too, better late than never!

(break: I know you're probably getting bored, so I'll finish up fast!)

I love how Laura always calls me "babe"
And over the years Mary's friendship I did save
Caroline one phrase for you--"shutup ;)"
Tyler makes my day with "'Sup?"

Christmas cards from unexpected people,
hearing a bell ring in a church steeple,
finding a scrunchie that still wraps tight,
peering up at the sky and million dots of light.

Stares from people when I bring a guide dog,
Claim Jumper with Jill till I feel like a hog,
A song on my Zune that I haven't heard in years,
talking to Adam when I sell tons of beers.

A post on my Facebook wall from anyone I know,
Looking at Adam Sidiali's webpage and seeing it glow,
Thinking about police work and helping the weak,
Reading my Bible and "hearing" God speak.

I am thankful for my life.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Christmas Cheer

I wrote this last year and felt it was appropriate to post on here.

As I peer out my window, only the melted remains of our short snow flurry decorate the lawn. No snow-flocked trees or fields of untouched snow lie around this house. Lights festoon the houses around us, and a few yards proudly display a lighted angel, inflatable snowman, or plastic nativity scene. White is not the color of winter. No, in the Northwest the colors are green and grey. Green for the bare trees, grass, and abundance of pine needles. Grey is, of course, the color of our “lovely” sky—no matter what time of year. Whoever wrote the song “Christmas in the Northwest” and claimed that “Christmas in the Northwest is a child’s answered prayer” must have grown up on the east coast or Midwest.

 The other day a friend babbled about how she eagerly anticipated Christmas then turned to me and asked, “don’t you?” Sadly I smiled and she continued in her ravings.

I tried to think why Christmas holds so little charm for me. Perhaps it is because of things I have lived through or seen. The young boy and girl who light the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve while their parents fight down the hall. The elderly lady sitting in the corner of a family gathering with a tear dribbling down her cheek, remembering the year before when she celebrated with her beloved. Or maybe it is the scenes I cannot help but imagine. The hundreds of children around the world who desire nothing more for Christmas than a mom and dad to love them, and to hold them when they cry—but sit alone in an orphanage, weeping. The couple murdered on Christmas Day because they dared to share the real reason for Christmas in a country closed to Christianity.

I cannot help a feeling of disgust at how consumer-istic Christmas has become. Greedy little elves daily watch their pile of presents grow under the tree and cannot think of anything besides what Santa will bring. Do you ever wonder what the original Saint Nicholas would have thought if he could see what kind of legacy he left? Not one of giving to those who are needy in a hard time of year, but one of demanding stuff from others.  Not gratefully receiving a flashlight, new pair of pajamas, or book from your parents, but demanding the latest iPod, the newest car, or coolest designer jeans. Funny, last year’s gifts gather dust on a forgotten shelf.
Three neighbor kids bounce into my house to play with my little brother. Of course, the topic of the day is Christmas. Immediately one of my neighbors interrogates Daniel as to what he wants from Santa. The poor little man sits speechless, not wanting to offend my misled neighbors by telling them that Santa does not exist, but not wanting to lie about what he “has asked for” at the same time. If you ask the average child what they want for Christmas, they will rattle off a long list of toys, CDs, electronics, or clothes. Ask them what they are thrilled to give to others, and the look of surprise mixed with chagrin crosses their face.

My wonderful customers daily add to my distaste for the season. The man who fumes over the fact that we do not sell Peppermint ice cream. We only carry Dark Chocolate Peppermint. Or the mom who bustles in to order a cake for her child’s birthday the next day.  Of course one of the readymade cakes is not good enough for her “pumpkin”—she must have a custom one built, frosted, and decorated that day. Upon informing her of how impossible that is for us to do, she glares at me and announces “well, Baskin Robbins could do it!” As if that morphs our cake decorators from “normal” teenagers into super-humans.

Running to the grocery store, I often bump into ill-tempered persons who glower at everything and everyone in sight. Constant activity adds to daily stress which drivers take out on the person who cut in front of them. Of course, they turn on the radio and sing of how it is “the most wonderful time of the year” as they honk at the fiend in front of them.

However, stretching at my feet, the little yellow lab puppy reminds me of the good thing about the season—the new life. Usually we associate new life with Easter. However this is the season in which the most wonderful new life appeared among mankind. We celebrate Christmas because thousands of years ago, Jesus Christ was born as a simple peasant boy in Bethlehem. His simple parents laid him in an animal’s feeding trough, and celebrated with the animals. What a difference between the first Christmas and the ones we celebrate today.

Now I must venture out onto the slick streets and brave the fierce Redmond drivers. Making it to my destination without causing someone to swear will be a miracle. Not because I am a bad driver, but because everyone—EVERYONE—is so stressed out right now. Let’s deck the halls with bows of holly, tra la la la la. And remember that silent night so long ago.

                                After all, it IS the most wonderful time of the year.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Tinsel and Lights

What a whirlwind of a week! With a foster dog coming home on Weds, a meeting with the Redmond Police Department and cg on Thurs, Echo Glen and work tonight, intense cleaning and work tomorrow, 2 church services, foster dog training, and a Christmas party at my old youth pastor's house Sunday, and a day full of Emily Yeaton/work on's a wee bit insane over here.

I keep attempting to spend time with Jesus and half of the time it works. But I keep reading through Psalm 34.
1I will bless the LORD(C) at all times;
   his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
2My soul(D) makes its boast in the LORD;
   let the humble hear and(E) be glad.
3Oh,(F) magnify the LORD with me,
   and let us exalt his name together! 4I(G) sought the LORD, and he answered me
   and delivered me from all my fears.
5Those who look to him are(H) radiant,
   and their faces shall never be ashamed.
6(I) This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him
   and(J) saved him out of all his troubles.
7(K) The angel of the LORD(L) encamps
   around those who fear him, and delivers them.
 8Oh,(M) taste and see that(N) the LORD is good!
   (O) Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
9Oh, fear the LORD, you his saints,
   for those who fear him have no lack!
10(P) The young lions suffer want and hunger;
   but those who(Q) seek the LORD lack no good thing.
 11(R) Come, O children, listen to me;
   (S) I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12(T) What man is there who desires life
   and loves many days, that he may(U) see good?
13(V) Keep your tongue from evil
   and your lips from(W) speaking deceit.
14(X) Turn away from evil and do good;
   seek peace and(Y) pursue it.
 15(Z) The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous
   (AA) and his ears toward their cry.
16(AB) The face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
   to(AC) cut off the memory of them from the earth.
17(AD) When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears
   and delivers them out of all their troubles.
18The LORD is near to(AE) the brokenhearted
   and saves(AF) the crushed in spirit.
 19(AG) Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
   (AH) but the LORD delivers him out of them all.
20He keeps all his bones;
   (AI) not one of them is broken.
21(AJ) Affliction will slay the wicked,
   and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.
22The LORD(AK) redeems the life of his servants;
   none of those who take refuge in him will be(AL) condemned.

This has got to be the best Psalm in the Bible. It just talks over and over about how life will be hard, but Jesus is always there. Man that's so assuring. Right now hasn't been one of those hard weeks but I know I'll be having another one soon. That's when I'll look back to this post and remember in Jesus there is hope.

Evidences of God's grace:

  • A sweet card from the kids at Echo Glen
  • 1.5 really great hours learning about police work and what it's really like
  • my computer. I love it, and it works. 
  • opportunities opening up

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

No such thing as free money

You may think scholarships are free money. They're not. Last night I found out I've officially been re-admitted to CWU. I also got 2 e-mails about scholarships. One of them is from my current community college. The scholarship will pay up to $30,000 for sophomore transfer students. Amazing, yes? It's a national scholarship and only 2 students from each college go on to the national selection process. The faculty who will be head of deciding who makes the cut happens to be my favorite prof. However, the scholarship process is long and there are a bazillion things I have to do/people I have to talk to.

The other scholarship e-mail I received is one from CWU. It's the theater arts scholarships/audition for the Bachelor of Fine Arts program. The audition is intense. Two songs, a monologue, a prepared jazz/ballet combination, an interview, a callback, an on the spot dance number we have to perform, and the normal resume, headshot, etc. I looked up the scholarship info and there are 4 $1,000 scholarships and 5 FULL TUITION scholarships! I can't even begin to express how amazing it would be to get anything to help out. Plus I have 4 other CWU scholarship applications I'm working on. So lest you think scholarships are free--they are anything BUT free. The process (for me at least) is extremely stressful and the thought of working so hard and getting rejected is hard.

That coupled with the fact that I'm already having money issues (i.e. I spend too much on people. Especially with Christmas. If I see something that I know someone would love--I have to get it for them. ugh.) and my phone broke so I have to get a new one, and my socks have holes in them, and I have the monthly bills...ugh it's so overwhelming right now.

I'll post evidences of God's grace later.

Monday, December 14, 2009


The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!” Jack Kerouac
Today I am thankful for two words:
Peter Ardissono

Sunday, December 13, 2009

bright red scarves

Evidences of God's grace:

  • not having to pay for dinner
  • making new friends!
  • a warm fire
  • a little snow, but not enough to stop activity
  • not getting in an accident
  • good music that really just hits the spot
  • red, green, and white everywhere
  • evening service at Mars Hill Church

Saturday, December 12, 2009

My hero (1)

You know how you always hear that it's good to have a hero in the Bible? Well today I think I found mine.


The only woman judge that I can remember in the Bible. Deborah is one of those people that I feel like if you spent an hour with her you'd be so inspired by her incredible faith. But not only was she a dedicated follower of Jesus, she also was strong and courageous. These days women are told it's good to be strong. The tougher, more independent from men you are, the better. But she wasn't full of herself and saying "look at me--I'm a JUDGE. Look all you men--I'm more powerful than all of you!" She coupled her power with humility and realized it all comes from God.

She also told Barak to go into battle. That's scary stuff. Not only that, but she went with him and helped give him the courage to fight when he needed to. She didn't ask anyone to do things she wouldn't. Awesome leader.

I love how Deborah isn't afraid of the social pressures, either. Now, with wanting to be a cop, people just look at me differently. It's like even though feminism is at an all time high, being a down to earth girl who wants to BE the difference in someone's life--that's not what's culturally accepted. I should be aiming for a high-paying position in a corporation, or to be a politician, or a professor. That is, if I'm one of THOSE girls who wants to step out and be different.

Yeah I want to be different, but not the feminist who always gets her way--the courageous and steadfast Deborah. That's the kind of woman I want to be. Strong--but knowing my strength comes from Jesus. Knowing I need to rely on Him, but that He will lift me up.

Friday, December 11, 2009

I bring it all to you

my thoughts and meditations
my loudest declarations
my every inclindation
I bring to you

my faith and my religion
my folly and my wisdom
my heart's many dimensions
I bring to you

everything I have
you have given me
so I take this life
I give it back
make it all that it should be

my search for satisfaction
my thoughts and my distractions
my words and my actions
I bring to you

my journey and my story
my failure and my glory
all the dreams I've dreamed for me
I bring to you

yesterday my future
was certain in what's unsure
and all that's in between
I bring to you

all that's seen and the unseen
I bring to you
my everything
I'll bring to you

Thursday, December 10, 2009


Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I will cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved
No better and no worse

You might be a big fish in a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
Cause along may come
A bigger one

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


No more finals! no more school! Thank you Jesus that I performed well enough to get into Advanced Acting next quarter and thank you Jesus that 4 of my friends will be in it with me!

Today God has show His grace not only in the great finals but through a person in my life This person has always been a little light that has cheered me up on the sad days. This person can make me beyond mad, but also knows just what to do to make me happy. Without this person, my life would be much sadder. And it's his birthday today. Thank you Jesus for (now) 9-year-old Daniel James, my wonderful little brother!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Quiet Moments

I have both of my finals tomorrow. One of them I haven't REALLY studied for, but it's only multiple choice so I feel pretty ok. Today I did spend 3 hours with my study group working on it, but I haven't been as devoted to working through that one. My other final is my drama final which doubles as my audition for the advanced acting class. I have worked and worked this final (a scene that another girl and I are performing) for days and yet I still don't feel confident. So I'm taking tonight and, even though I have to be at school tomorrow at 7:30am, I'm enjoying this quiet moment to work through some of the stress. Pray. Work on character background. Pray harder. Continue writing. I can do this.

Tomorrow we will see.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Lime Green Day

I don't know why, but today feels like a bright green day. Maybe that's because I'm curled up in a lime green fleece blanket right now. A fantastic night at work, a good day at Echo Glen, the possibility of having placed a sweet dog with a really great family, peace in pain, Cold Stone with a co-worker, photoshoot with Janda, and a great chance to work on the final that's freaking me out--over all a beautiful day full of thanks.

Water is literally freezing everywhere. The fountain at school has partially frozen over. It's definitely winter.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Whatever's in front of me, I choose to sing Hallelujah

Let me tell you a little about myself. I love to plan. And I love security. So for me, the unexpected freaks me out.  I have always had a hard time with submitting myself to God's great timing and plan. The lesson never seems to grow old. I discover this in the big picture things. Like marriage. Today while talking with Jill and Michelle, I was astounded by how willing they, as 27 and 24 year old women, are able to say "you know, I'd love to get married, but if that's not what God has for me, that's ok too." I've recently been having a hard time with losing a friend and the thought has crossed my mind once or twice that it would be nice to have someone in my life for this time--who I know would be there for me. Plus it's just hard, in this society, to be strong without a boyfriend. But thankfully, with Jill and Michelle's encouragement,  I too can say "in God's timing".

Also, I might seem like just a bubbly, happy teenager but I have very deep emotions about things. I'm so devoted to my friends and my mom and brothers. Nothing makes my day more than getting to hang out or talk to a friend. So I'm thankful for those people who understand that, and make an effort to be involved in my life. I've spent a lot of time thinking, and a lot of time talking to amazing people, and I'm going to make a conscious effort to become more involved here.

However that doesn't mean the hurt goes away. This uncertainty about if one of my best friends still wants to be involved in my life, it hurts. Just random times I'll be sitting, doing nothing in particular, and wonder if she's mad at me. When I spend more than 30 minutes with my family and some rude comment or snide remark is made, it hurts. But it brings me back to Jesus. And if that's what it takes to make me think of Him, and make me praise Him--bring it on.

My prayer is that in everything I will truly be able to see Jesus, show Jesus, or praise Jesus. Like we sang in church today "so I will come to You, offering all I do, opening up my hands, in sweet surrender." When I really stop to think about it, I can't even begin to comprehend why the heck I don't live every moment in view of how amazing He is. Today the biggest evidence of God's grace is that he shows himself to me.

Whatever's in front of me
I choose to sing Hallelujah

Saturday, December 5, 2009


God is loving and cares about me SO much on my lowest days. The holidays should be such a wonderful time of year, but it's never been amazing and nice with my family. So I didn't expect it to be marvelous or anything, but I didn't expect it to be this harsh either. Which is why I created this blog in the first place--to take time out of my crazy hectic life and think, in writing, about not just the fact that there are good things in my life, but that there is a God who puts these little nuggets in my life because of His love. Even when my dad yells at me, even when I'm DYING to eat sugar, even when my best friend won't talk to me, even when I spend a night in tears, there's One who cares.

Evidences of God's Grace:

  • reaching a running time goal quickly
  • finding amazing Christmas presents (on a budget) for everyone
  • Heather Day, Jill DeKoekkoek, Lindsey Buckingham, and Michelle Hom--4 ladies at my Mars Hill community group who really care about me.
  • hope for the future

Friday, December 4, 2009

Moving on.
The hurt continues.
Trying to forgive.

I need to make a phone call.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Be My Escape

I’ve given up on giving up slowly
I’m blending in so you won’t even know me
apart from this whole world that shares my fate

This one last bullet you mention 
is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away

And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though there’s no way of knowing where to go, promise I’m going because...

I'm afraid this complacency is something I can't shake.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Cause when I think of you I don't feel so alone

I spent most of today contemplating how good it would feel to fall asleep. :) The life of a college student is so thrilling. It never ceases to amaze me, though, how much people matter. Like when I walk into my English class, I hate it. It's terrible. The prof is boring, the people are druggies and running start kids who don't care, and the assignments aren't clear. But when I head over to Geology, my little groupie totally makes my day. Kate, Nico, and Argin--I wouldn't have known them from any other random student at the beginning of the quarter. Just the fact that I "happened" to sit by Kate and start talking with her because of Janda Bean, that's a huge evidence of God's grace. I wouldn't have survived Geology or been the hard working student I've been without them. 

While I'm sitting here, at my desk, with geology flashcards under my coffee mug and a picture of my sweet friend Cortney framed on my desk and a huge collage of pictures of the people that mean the most to me on my right, I encourage anyone who happens to read this to let your friends KNOW you appreciate them. 

Awesome Geology kids
Wordle: Untitled
Some people I'm very very thankful for

Monday, November 30, 2009

Echo Glen

Ever spent an hour with over 100 convicted felons? I hadn't until today.. We had an assembly at Echo Glen and I went with my Canine Connections kids. I've always felt so secure there but today, with all the residents in the room, it just hit me differently. Don't get me wrong, I still love it there and spending time with 'my kids' but it just really led me to be thankful for the law enforcement officers and all the staff who are helping these kids become succesful citizens.

Sunday, November 29, 2009


Sunday was made for fellowship. By that I mean spending time with other people who love Jesus. What a great day! Between working with the Pre-K kids at church and having a very fun lunch with my community group (cg) girls, it was a great day. I'm really coming to love and appreciate the girls/women in my cg more and more. I feel completely at home with them. With a lot of people, I tend not to talk because I know how I feel when someone gushes out their whole life story to me and it's one of those days when I just don't care. (I hope I'm not the only one who has those kinds of days!) But these women really do care. They are the biggest evidence of God's grace in my life today. And that God led me to that group, and that He has allowed me to open up to all of them.


Saturday, November 28, 2009

Right behind the clouds

"there's a big blue sky waitin' right behind the clouds!"

Even when life at home sucks, even when thinking of certain people makes my heart ache, even when my Saturday is composed of chores, homework, and work, there are things to be thankful for. God is good and has given me motivation again to spend time with Him. On a day that I really needed to work a late shift at work, someone called and asked if I wanted to switch shifts so she would work the 4pm shift and I'll work the 6pm shift. The girls at my community group are going out for lunch tomorrow. And I'm thankful that I'm remembering everything I need to get done.

Friday, November 27, 2009

This Day I Thank You, Jesus

It’s been SO long since I’ve posted. But I’ve been hit pretty hard with how unthankful we are as a culture. On my Facebook yesterday, I posted “thanksgiving should be a lifestyle” not just a holiday. I attempt to remind myself of how blessed I am by once a week or so having my journaling be a list of evidences of God’s grace. Let me share some of my recent ones:
  • Jill Bakke–a faithful friend
  • an amazing community group and its leaders
  • a warm, safe house
  • getting a 95% on a hard paper
  • breaks in between the rain clouds
  • laughing with co-workers
  • dinner with Allie Dunham
  • provision for our community group’s Halloween neighborhood party
  • rest
  • Caroline Forsythe’s determination to be happy at Hillsdale College
  • satisfaction with performance of my monologue
  • Mars Hill Church
  • peace during arguments
  • Emily Yeaton and Heather Day praying for me
  • great times in The Word
  • recognition of sin
  • health
  • courage to read my Bible at school
  • stamps to mail cards
  • sun
  • Thanksgiving with my whole family
  • $102 in tips the day before Thanksgiving
  • Christmas music
  • a day in downtown Seattle
  • courage to pursue scary, but potentially life-changing possibilities
  • my kids at Echo Glen
Enjoy your weekend–I’m going to really try to keep posting on here, even if it’s just to post the evidences of God’s grace for the day.

New Site

Been reading at ? This is my new address :)