I've been thinking a lot about living my life with integrity. This morning as I was spending time with Jesus, I read this verse:
Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me!
Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness preserve me,
for I wait for you.I think about this especially at work. I complain way more often than I should. But in life in general, I want to be a girl of whom it can be said she was "careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody" (Romans 12:17). I know that I'm human and still have a sin nature, so I struggle with figuring out how to accomplish this. The closest I can figure out now, is that it involves a lot of repentance (which I suck at).
Another thing that came up at cg the other night is how do I spend my time? I was convicted that I waste a lot of time watching TV shows, on Facebook, sleeping....just doing nothing in particular. Every morning I wake up intending to spend time with Jesus. Hoping that this will be the day where I can get everything done that needs to be done. But most mornings I turn on the computer before I flip open the Bible. I'm at one of those phases in life where I've lost the hunger for reading my Bible and spending time with Jesus. Once I'm in it, I always enjoy it, but it's just the starting that's hard. My challenge to myself this week is to get back into that valuable time on my knees in front of the Lord.
Every once in a while, I just like to sit and think about Jesus. Contemplate that he is mighty yet loving. That I screw up in a million ways every day and often don't even bother to ask his forgiveness, but he's still there for me. I can't really even begin to comprehend what omnipotence looks like. I love that in the end, everyone will be brought to justice. And it makes me relieved that I don't have to be perfect to spend eternity with him. (oh yeah, and just thinking about that eternity, man! I'm excited)
With all this stuff swirling around in my cyclone of a brain, I also think about my future. I know that "the mind of a man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." (Proverbs 16:9) I've seen that verse play out over and over in my life. I have some friends who have been talking about Biblical Womanhood recently. I know I've fought against this concept for the same reason I fought against Proverbs 31. I know that my fight against being a weak woman is partially what led me to want to work in law enforcement, but I also know that's not the only reason. I love justice. I love seeing people brought to justice. I love the idea of saving lives. I love helping people. I love giving back to my community. But part of me constantly worries if I have it all wrong. I know that (at least at first) my parents fought back against the concept of me being a police officer because I "would be assuming roles meant for men." I worry if this is true. I worry that maybe this isn't what God's calling me to do and that I've been fooling myself. Part of me wants to do my own study of biblical womanhood, but I don't know where to start. My mom has a book about it, but I'm pretty sure every author has an opinion and I know her book leans toward conservative values. I'm all for being a mom and a homemaker, but I don't think that working and being a homemaker are mutually exclusive. I just don't know.
Those are just a few of the things I think about. This whole "life" thing is so complicated.