**100th Post!!**

For my 100th post I was trying to think of something really cool to say. But all I could think of is one of my new favorite verses:

"He has shown you, o man, what is good and what the Lord requires of you: but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

There's a lot of things I love about this verse. I love the three main things highlighted:

• justice
• mercy
• humility

I think it's pretty obvious that I love justice. In my life there have been a few things I'm passionate about, one of them is teens pursuing Jesus, one of them is justice. I hate injustice on a global scale, but I also hate it on a local scale. My career decision makes sense then, yes? I think one of the things that appeals most about our great God is that he is just. Granted that means some people I love who don't know the saving grace of Jesus will go to hell. But the fact that God is perfectly just makes me love him so much.

The concept of mercy is so beautiful. " mer·cy n. 1 a : compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender or to one subject to one's power; also : lenient or compassionate treatment" First of all, yes this is what Jesus showed us. But second, this is an area I think Jesus is growing in my life. To choose to look past wrongs or pain and show kindness to someone is a very high and hard calling. Another definition of mercy is showing compassion toward the poor or helpless. I think that's easier for me just because it doesn't involve me swallowing my feelings or hurt. And it gets back to justice.

Humility is one area in which I have no problem announcing my inadequacy to the world. I'm an actor. I'm used to everything being about me. I love attention. I love being right all the time. I love pointing out where people go wrong. I love talking about other people's problems and complaining about them. I really suck at humility. The funny thing about it is that the moment you think "hey! I'm getting better at humility!" that's just pride all over again. Alas this is an area I will fight with for the rest of my life.

So do what is good and what the Lord requires of you. Do justly. Love mercy. Walk humbly with God.

A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am

Disappointments show our true colors. Yes? I mean, everyone's had their share.

Today, my day started off with my brother waking me up by pounding on the piano. Something I've asked him many times not to do. I've been waiting for 2 e-mails all day and only one of them came. Also, my mom informed me that the one class I was really looking forward to all quarter (Advanced Acting: Greek scene study) was going to have some "objectionable content" in it and that they wouldn't pay for it. i.e. I can't take it anymore. Then, I had the Explorers meeting tonight. The one where I was potentially going to officially become part of the group. I got there, waited fr 15 minutes and eventually figured out it got cancelled. But I was never told. So with two hours to burn, I set up a last-minute Skype date with a friend I haven't talked to in a while. As I'm flipping open my computer, she texts me and tells me her plans changed and she has to cancel.

Yeah, I'm a bit bummed right now. It's like nothing could go right today. And of course nobody knew that, so they weren't trying to ruin my day, but it still hurts nonetheless.

So I'm going to sit here, in my empty house and meditate on my morning reading (amazing Psalm...check it out), make myself a cup of coffee, and dance just because I can.

But I NEVER do that.

Last night's sermon on legalism hit home (like Pastor Mark's sermons usually do). But the one last night focused on legalism and anti-legalism. At first, when I hear the term "legalism" I think "I go to Mars Hill. We're the least legalistic church I know." But then I kept listening and realized that legalism is any sort of rule that we add to the Bible. I am praying that Jesus will show me areas where I'm legalistic, because I know there are things that I place importance on, that the Bible doesn't. I just can't think of them right now. One could be not going to church every week, or working on Sunday.

However, God is good, and loving, and gracious, and continues to want to be in relationship with me--even when I add things to the beautiful story He wrote.

Evidences of God's Grace:

• preliminary results from an audition
• recognizing growth in my life
• time to be still before the Lord
• kids and their wittiness
• Emily Yeaton, her school friends, and Jill Bakke and late nights doing ridiculous things
• blogs which make me think

The Tornado Strikes Again

My mind is like a tornado. I have so many things to think about all the time.

I've been thinking a lot about living my life with integrity. This morning as I was spending time with Jesus, I read this verse:

Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me!

Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.

May integrity and uprightness preserve me,

for I wait for you.

I think about this especially at work. I complain way more often than I should. But in life in general, I want to be a girl of whom it can be said she was "careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody" (Romans 12:17). I know that I'm human and still have a sin nature, so I struggle with figuring out how to accomplish this. The closest I can figure out now, is that it involves a lot of repentance (which I suck at).

Another thing that came up at cg the other night is how do I spend my time? I was convicted that I waste a lot of time watching TV shows, on Facebook, sleeping....just doing nothing in particular. Every morning I wake up intending to spend time with Jesus. Hoping that this will be the day where I can get everything done that needs to be done. But most mornings I turn on the computer before I flip open the Bible. I'm at one of those phases in life where I've lost the hunger for reading my Bible and spending time with Jesus. Once I'm in it, I always enjoy it, but it's just the starting that's hard. My challenge to myself this week is to get back into that valuable time on my knees in front of the Lord.

Every once in a while, I just like to sit and think about Jesus. Contemplate that he is mighty yet loving. That I screw up in a million ways every day and often don't even bother to ask his forgiveness, but he's still there for me. I can't really even begin to comprehend what omnipotence looks like. I love that in the end, everyone will be brought to justice. And it makes me relieved that I don't have to be perfect to spend eternity with him. (oh yeah, and just thinking about that eternity, man! I'm excited)

With all this stuff swirling around in my cyclone of a brain, I also think about my future. I know that "the mind of a man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." (Proverbs 16:9) I've seen that verse play out over and over in my life. I have some friends who have been talking about Biblical Womanhood recently. I know I've fought against this concept for the same reason I fought against Proverbs 31. I know that my fight against being a weak woman is partially what led me to want to work in law enforcement, but I also know that's not the only reason. I love justice. I love seeing people brought to justice. I love the idea of saving lives. I love helping people. I love giving back to my community. But part of me constantly worries if I have it all wrong. I know that (at least at first) my parents fought back against the concept of me being a police officer because I "would be assuming roles meant for men." I worry if this is true. I worry that maybe this isn't what God's calling me to do and that I've been fooling myself. Part of me wants to do my own study of biblical womanhood, but I don't know where to start. My mom has a book about it, but I'm pretty sure every author has an opinion and I know her book leans toward conservative values. I'm all for being a mom and a homemaker, but I don't think that working and being a homemaker are mutually exclusive. I just don't know.

Those are just a few of the things I think about. This whole "life" thing is so complicated.

Time Management

Question: What do I spend my time on/for?

Answer: Not what I should be.

Spring Break

Spring break feels extremely liberating and terrifying at the same time. I know I don't have anything I have to do or anywhere I have to be except for work and cg. I'm afraid I'll waste it. At the same time, I love just sitting here, thinking "oh! I'm sure I have reading to do! Oh wait, nope........probably should get busy fixing lines! Hahaha just kidding."

Why I love theater

Not much to report today other than I completed 3 finals. Yippee. Tomorrow I have the final I'm actually looking forward to. We get to play around on stage in front of people. I love acting. I really do. There's something fun about the challenge of becoming someone else--physically, emotionally, and verbally. Tomorrow I jump from being an 80+ year old bitter German grandmother with a limp to a 30 year old suicidal alcoholic on a bus to a 20 something who's preparing to marry a pop star. Anyone who's not an actor just can't understand. There isn't any fear when I walk on stage. Sure, I'm a little nervous that I'll forget lines or mess up blocking, but we've rehearsed enough that I know what I need to do to "become" that other person. And yet it's new every time. You can never perform the same exact scene the same exact way more than once. I've also learned to trust my scene partner. My second and fourth scenes are with people who I know have my back that entire scene. I know, it sounds really weird to someone who doesn't DO the theater thing. But you'll just have to trust me on this. When I walk onto the stage with Blaire and Marissa I know that no matter how terribly we mess up, it'll all turn out fine. Or that if we do an amazing job, it'll have been a group effort. In the end, theater is all about taking people out of their everyday lives and transporting them into an imaginary world. I think it's a beautiful thing.