Quiet Moments

I have both of my finals tomorrow. One of them I haven't REALLY studied for, but it's only multiple choice so I feel pretty ok. Today I did spend 3 hours with my study group working on it, but I haven't been as devoted to working through that one. My other final is my drama final which doubles as my audition for the advanced acting class. I have worked and worked this final (a scene that another girl and I are performing) for days and yet I still don't feel confident. So I'm taking tonight and, even though I have to be at school tomorrow at 7:30am, I'm enjoying this quiet moment to work through some of the stress. Pray. Work on character background. Pray harder. Continue writing. I can do this.

Tomorrow we will see.

Lime Green Day

I don't know why, but today feels like a bright green day. Maybe that's because I'm curled up in a lime green fleece blanket right now. A fantastic night at work, a good day at Echo Glen, the possibility of having placed a sweet dog with a really great family, peace in pain, Cold Stone with a co-worker, photoshoot with Janda, and a great chance to work on the final that's freaking me out--over all a beautiful day full of thanks.

Water is literally freezing everywhere. The fountain at school has partially frozen over. It's definitely winter.

Whatever's in front of me, I choose to sing Hallelujah

Let me tell you a little about myself. I love to plan. And I love security. So for me, the unexpected freaks me out.  I have always had a hard time with submitting myself to God's great timing and plan. The lesson never seems to grow old. I discover this in the big picture things. Like marriage. Today while talking with Jill and Michelle, I was astounded by how willing they, as 27 and 24 year old women, are able to say "you know, I'd love to get married, but if that's not what God has for me, that's ok too." I've recently been having a hard time with losing a friend and the thought has crossed my mind once or twice that it would be nice to have someone in my life for this time--who I know would be there for me. Plus it's just hard, in this society, to be strong without a boyfriend. But thankfully, with Jill and Michelle's encouragement,  I too can say "in God's timing".

Also, I might seem like just a bubbly, happy teenager but I have very deep emotions about things. I'm so devoted to my friends and my mom and brothers. Nothing makes my day more than getting to hang out or talk to a friend. So I'm thankful for those people who understand that, and make an effort to be involved in my life. I've spent a lot of time thinking, and a lot of time talking to amazing people, and I'm going to make a conscious effort to become more involved here.

However that doesn't mean the hurt goes away. This uncertainty about if one of my best friends still wants to be involved in my life, it hurts. Just random times I'll be sitting, doing nothing in particular, and wonder if she's mad at me. When I spend more than 30 minutes with my family and some rude comment or snide remark is made, it hurts. But it brings me back to Jesus. And if that's what it takes to make me think of Him, and make me praise Him--bring it on.

My prayer is that in everything I will truly be able to see Jesus, show Jesus, or praise Jesus. Like we sang in church today "so I will come to You, offering all I do, opening up my hands, in sweet surrender." When I really stop to think about it, I can't even begin to comprehend why the heck I don't live every moment in view of how amazing He is. Today the biggest evidence of God's grace is that he shows himself to me.

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Whatever's in front of me

I choose to sing Hallelujah

Loved

God is loving and cares about me SO much on my lowest days. The holidays should be such a wonderful time of year, but it's never been amazing and nice with my family. So I didn't expect it to be marvelous or anything, but I didn't expect it to be this harsh either. Which is why I created this blog in the first place--to take time out of my crazy hectic life and think, in writing, about not just the fact that there are good things in my life, but that there is a God who puts these little nuggets in my life because of His love. Even when my dad yells at me, even when I'm DYING to eat sugar, even when my best friend won't talk to me, even when I spend a night in tears, there's One who cares.

Evidences of God's Grace:

• reaching a running time goal quickly
• finding amazing Christmas presents (on a budget) for everyone
• Heather Day, Jill DeKoekkoek, Lindsey Buckingham, and Michelle Hom--4 ladies at my Mars Hill community group who really care about me.
• hope for the future

Pain.
Moving on.
The hurt continues.
Trying to forgive.
Failing.

I need to make a phone call.

Be My Escape

I’ve given up on giving up slowly
I’m blending in so you won’t even know me
apart from this whole world that shares my fate


This one last bullet you mention 
is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away

And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though there’s no way of knowing where to go, promise I’m going because...
I'm afraid this complacency is something I can't shake.

Cause when I think of you I don't feel so alone

I spent most of today contemplating how good it would feel to fall asleep. :) The life of a college student is so thrilling. It never ceases to amaze me, though, how much people matter. Like when I walk into my English class, I hate it. It's terrible. The prof is boring, the people are druggies and running start kids who don't care, and the assignments aren't clear. But when I head over to Geology, my little groupie totally makes my day. Kate, Nico, and Argin--I wouldn't have known them from any other random student at the beginning of the quarter. Just the fact that I "happened" to sit by Kate and start talking with her because of Janda Bean, that's a huge evidence of God's grace. I wouldn't have survived Geology or been the hard working student I've been without them. 


While I'm sitting here, at my desk, with geology flashcards under my coffee mug and a picture of my sweet friend Cortney framed on my desk and a huge collage of pictures of the people that mean the most to me on my right, I encourage anyone who happens to read this to let your friends KNOW you appreciate them. 

Awesome Geology kids

Some people I'm very very thankful for