Those days when you just want to scream

Some days, man..... 

I'm at work and I have at very least one person angry with me because I'm working the radio they were promised to work. It's ridiculous. I definitely have my favorite radios, too. And I understand how it would be frustrating to have your expectations squashed. But in the end, it's JUST a radio. It's 8 hours that you're getting paid to work. You'll go home at the end of your shift and play with your kids or sleep or drink a beer. Get over yourself. 

On the other hand, I have been listening to myself lately and I'm realizing not only how petty other people are, but I can be too. And the petty frustration leads to gossip. Which just causes problems. And I'm discovering more and more that I'm bad about gossip here at work. Where's the balance between frustration and gossip? How do you get out the pent up "THIS PERSON CAN'T DO THEIR JOB" frustration without talking to others and without imploding? I want to do the right thing and not make enemies but that's not always possible I suppose. 

Life is so complicated. Blah. 

In other news...... What a gorgeous boy.

When words aren't enough

"Notify the M.E........" The worst words to hear on your radio. 

I'm not going to get into a long winded post about the meaning of life and how precious it is. Let me just say that natural disasters suck. Sitting here and listening to it unfold and not being able to do anything about it sucks even more. I'm spending my afternoon dispatching people's petty issues. Really? Get your head out of your butt for 4 1/2 minutes. I would say "life goes on" but obviously that's not true for the bodies they're still uncovering. 

I can dispatch a stabbing, home invasion, or suicide attempt. This is the first time I've teared up at work (well other than I frustration during training). 

Lessons in singleness

It hit me the other day that as a single girl I'm all messed up. It really hit me when I saw flowers at the grocery store and was sad because no one brings me flowers. Then I realized, why do I need to wait for someone to bring me flowers? I've spent so long waiting for later that I haven't been noticing what I'm learning NOW. 

With that said, I have a wonderful best friend who I've gone through a lot with. She has taught me 4 things that are priceless:

1. I'm not always right. I'm not the type of person who just says stuff, usually it's based on fact or experience. But as much as it shocks me, I'm not always right. And let me tell you it's the hardest thing in the world to admit that. My best friend has been gracious and loving and sometimes stubborn and I'm learning that it's ok to be wrong. No one is perfect. 

2. When to just say "ok". Along with that last one, when I know I'm correct I don't like to let it go. Deep down it's a pride issue. I know I'm right and you're wrong, and I'm going to make you see that. Even if it makes you upset or hurt, I have a need to justify myself and always prove that you're wrong. After a few arguments that hurt a lot (and I'm sure hurt her, too), I've found that I care about her so much that I don't want her to be sad over a ridiculous issue. It really doesn't matter if she thinks that we didn't talk about our weekend plans...instead, just move on and discuss it again. What good does it really do to correct every little thing? Sure sometimes I need to adamantly defend a position, but most of the time, it's ok to just let stuff go.

3. How to be KNOWN. I struggle with being vulnerable. I'm really good at pretending to be. I've gone through some crappy stuff but I don't mind talking about it and sharing my story with people. It makes it seem like "oh wow she really opened up to me", but I really haven't. When I hang out with people or start new relationships I like to ask questions. I'm a communication major so that's naturally what I like to do--communicate. People love to talk about themselves, and I love to listen, so that's usually my "job" with my friends. There are very very very few people who actually know me. Who I feel like I can express the full extent of my emotions or experiences to. It's scary because once you share that with someone, they hold a piece of you that they can either choose to protect or share with other people. I told her something the other day that I hadn't shared with anyone, and it was terrifying. But it's safe with her.

4. How to accept gifts/compliments. So we've already established that I have issues. One of them is that I don't believe people are being genuine when they give gifts or compliments. In my head, saying someone looks good or does their job well is kind of expected. Same with giving gifts...people do it either to get on someone's good side or because they feel obligated. Part of being loved by someone is to learn to take things graciously and to believe in their sincerity. I'm still cynical enough that I don't think the majority of people are genuine, but the ones who truly care are just trying to express how they feel. 

So the way I'm trying to look at things is instead of wasting these years of singleness, it's a perfect time to just grow and learn things that God has for me. I'm sure my future man will appreciate it :)

Shifts

It occurred to me that not everyone understands work schedules that aren't the normal 9am-5pm so let me enlighten you. 

I work swing shift. It means that I don't start work until well into the afternoon. (I'm not posting my exact schedule online, sorry). So for "normal" people, if you wake up at, say, 6am you need to go to bed around 10pm to get your 8 hours of sleep. Now, if you work till,say, midnight (because you're on swing shift), I can guarantee that you're not going to be able to fall asleep immediately after work. At least not if you're in a field like mine where lives depend on the fact that you are alert and thinking until the very end of your shift. So my guess is the average person would be asleep by 3am. 8 hours of sleep takes you to 11am. And that is IF you're not working overtime or delayed by something. 

So, my dear friends, getting up in the middle of the afternoon might not be your "normal", but it doesn't mean I'm being lazy or sleeping in every day. Don't tell me I'm lucky....I'm just getting my 8 hours like everyone else. Probably less actually. So when people act like I should just be able to get up at 8am to meet them somewhere, it makes me frustrated. I'm not being difficult--just imagine being told you needed to wake up at 2 or 3am on a work day....

Ok ok rant over.

All the single ladies....

Pastor Mark made a super interesting comment the other day. Instead of just making a list of things you want in a spouse, make a list of things you want to be for your future spouse.

A best friend. I want to be the first person he thinks of texting when he hears a funny story or wants to complain about the overtime at work. Who he pictures going with him to the Seahawks game. 

An encourager. I want to help him pursue his dreams. On those days that just suck, I want to speak words of life to him. To find ways to let him know I care and am behind him 100%. 

A helper. And it kills me because every feministic bone in my body is screaming at me for typing that. But it's true. I want to make a beautiful and relaxing home. I want to make breakfast for 2 in the morning, and spaghetti for dayssss. I want to help him fix the car and mow the lawn. I want to work hard in my career field to help make money not so much of an issue.

A mom. I want to have a big family with so much love and patience and jokes and silliness and loud laughter. I want to teach my kids what the difference is between chloroform and chlorophyll. I want to let them watch "Up" while we're all snuggled up on the couch. I want them to "read" their Bible with me before bed, and to get to tell them the Jesus stories over and over. I want to have foster kids who rebel and make us want to cry.

A sister in Christ. I want to go to church together. To sing about Jesus together. To pray together every day. To ask him tough questions and discuss our thoughts. To hold him accountable in the areas he's struggling with. To lead a community group with him.

That's just the beginning. I want to be someone he's proud of. When I walk in the bar while he's talking with his friends, I want him to be so excited to tell his friends "that's my wife!!" 

You take brokenness aside and make it beautiful

I believe that the world is a beautiful place. I have to. 

At the risk of sounding conceited, I'm going to say it anyway--I have a really hard job. This week I spent 20 hours listening to people's problems. As 911 operators we are taught to let it roll off you. Someone starts yelling at you because the police didn't respond the first time they whined about the noise next door? Let it go. Someone starts ranting about how terrible you are at your job? Let it go. Someone starts getting impatient because you ask them to repeat things? Let it go. Your officer asks you for the third time to repeat that plate? Let it go. Your officer gets frustrated because you aren't fast enough? Let it go. Your officer isn't paying attention to his radio? Let it go.

This week I hit a point with a couple calls where I couldn't let it go. I can still hear her voice ringing in my ears. The sound of her desperately trying to keep it together for her small child while the horror of what just happened starts creeping in. The panic turning to tears. "I'm going to burn these clothes." 

I have to believe the world is a beautiful place, because I know it's full of dirty, broken things. I have first hand knowledge of what human beings can do to each other. I also know that the world is beautiful because of its creator. People are imperfect, rotten, and evil. Jesus loves people so much that he made an incredible sacrifice. God made the flowers. He made the blue sky and the beach. He made pristine snow and puppies to romp through it. He makes beautiful things out of dust. He takes brokenness aside and makes it beautiful.

Some people call it optimism, others say "oh don't worry, with time you'll become cynical like us." I have to believe the world is a beautiful place because I don't WANT to be like them. I want to always care about how that CPR in progress call ended. I want my heart to always hurt when someone goes to jail. I love what I do. It really has to be a field you're called into, not just a job. Friends and family will never know how it drains you, how you can differentiate between types of crying over the phone. You tell them the funny stories because those are the ones you want to remember.

I believe the world is a beautiful place. Because I have to.

Dance all night, there's no end in sight

Okay, here I go. God is SO good. It's been really easy for me to forget that I'm only where I'm at right now because God made all the little things fall into place. I just finished my first phase of training at work. I'll actually miss training a lot because our trainer was amazing and the three of us who were being trained had a blast together. Now I move to phase 2--answering live calls all day every day.

It's an incredible job. Every day I answer a 911 line that connects people to the help they need. Sometimes we save lives. It's MUCH more difficult than I thought it'd be, but it's also really exciting. So starting tomorrow I'm working full 10-hour days. woooo

I just e-mailed someone at church about finding a new community group....I'm SO excited about that.

I should be moving into an apartment in early October. !!!!!

I heard from the soldier I adopted and I'm blown away by how much he appreciates the little things that we do. It's such a rewarding thing.