Be still

I don't really even know where to start. On Wednesday, October 15 my dispatch center worked a spree shooting. One of our sgts was injured. The radio traffic was heartbreaking. Listening to a man who I love working with trying his very best to stay calm but yelling over the radio that he'd been shot will burn in my memory forever. Those are my guys. It's my job to be their lifeline, but I wasn't working so I couldn't be. It was a difficult thing to process. Hit on the reality of the job we do.

Friday, October 24 I worked the wee hours of the morning on Marysville Police radio. At 0600 I signed the day shift cars into service. I joked around with a couple of them, we talked about the weather, and I signed in the school resource officer of Marysville Pilchuck High School. Someone called out sick and I almost offered to stay over, but I was exhausted and just decided to go home. I left telling the next dispatcher that I hadn't heard a peep from them in 25 minutes. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

About 6 hours later I woke up to a Facebook message from an out of town friend: "I really hope that wasn't you guys...but if it was, I'm really sorry." Immediately, I jumped on Facebook and was inundated with posts about a high school shooting. In Marysville. I just worked there. Everything was fine. Quiet, even. When I was signing people in, this teenager was getting ready to go to school and kill his friends.

The best description I've heard is it was a "senseless waste of life". I can't even wrap my head around the whole thing. I don't know how I feel, or how I'm supposed to feel. I'm sad that it happened. It's cool to see the community response. I guess it's such a big deal because it's a school where kids are supposed to feel safe. But really, any life that is stolen away is tragic. Is it because we see kids as helpless or innocent? Because this isn't "supposed" to happen? I guess all these questions are coming up because of what happened next.

Friday, October 24 at about 11:30pm, a man was murdered in Lynnwood. I dispatched a 5 hour long manhunt. We don't know the circumstances but it happened on my radio. The next day I checked the news and there were 6 articles about the school shooting and 3 paragraphs about the fact that the sheriff's office was looking for the suspect in a homicide. If I'm being honest, I'm a little upset that this missing suspect was given 3 paragraphs while there were experts and friends and officials and goodness knows who else all talking about the shooting. Where the suspect was already dead.

Thankfully someone was paying attention to those 3 paragraphs and we caught the suspect on that one, too.

Tonight we had a massive storm with an overflow of people calling for trees down or things catching on fire.

I can't get a break. I love my job but I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I need a good day. What I want is to get an attaboy because this job sucks the life out of you every day. What I NEED is to find a way to lean on Jesus for strength. I don't honestly know how to trust Jesus and give my pain to Jesus because I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm a fortress and don't need help. When I did reach out, the person I looked to let me down.

Find rest my soul, in Christ alone, know his power, in quietness and trust...When the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with you above the storm, Father you are king over the flood, I will be still and know you are God.